


Educational Decree Number 83

by meditationsinemergencies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cards Against Muggles, Crack, Masturbation Slang, Monster Book of Monsters - Freeform, Order of the Phoneix, Severus and Minerva Are Buds, Staff Meetings, Umbridge Is A Prude, blowjob reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:53:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23218816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meditationsinemergencies/pseuds/meditationsinemergencies
Summary: What's Dolores Umbridge to do when students start receiving fellatio from a textbook?
Relationships: Dolores Umbridge/Monster Book of Monsters
Comments: 23
Kudos: 34
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	Educational Decree Number 83

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Cards Against Muggle Crack Fest!
> 
> The prompt was: Dolores Umbridge made it her mission at Hogwarts to crack down on getting a blowjob from the monster book of monsters
> 
> As always many thanks to the lovely [adavison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adavison/profile) !

**Educational Decree Number 83:**

Any student caught using Edwardus Lim’s  _ The Monster Book of Monsters  _ for  **_anything_ ** other than educationally approved classroom activities will henceforth be expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, immediately. 

Dolores Umbridge pulled back from her desk and reread her newest Educational Decree for the third time; she couldn’t find any possible loopholes. Her shoulders were pulled back in what looked like an almost painfully poised position. She pulled open a drawer to her right, grabbed a golden tube of a mauve lipstick and applied it to her lips, ensuring there her lipstick was perfect. She nodded to herself, stood up, smoothed her woolen pink skirt, flicked her wand towards the parchment and walked out of her office: The Educational Decree floating pompously beside her. 

She made her way to the common area where the rest of her Educational Decrees lived, and, with another flick of her wand, the parchment floating beside her flew to the wall and plastered itself there. 

Students quickly gathered around the new decree. She smiled triumphantly to herself, lifted her chin up in the air and began to walk away; as she walked through the mass of students, she tried not to appear distressed as she heard groans and moans of complaints from several students.

—

Severus Snape took a seat next to Minerva McGonagall with an irritated sigh. He looked down at her out of the corner of his eye while speaking, “What in the bloody fucking shit is this about now? What else could the Pompous Pink Prat want? We met  _ yesterday, _ Minerva.  _ YESTERDAY.”  _ He gritted the last word through his teeth and Minerva chuckled. If there was one thing Snape hated more than most of the other things he hated it was meetings especially meetings that could have just been an owl. 

“Severus, really. Have you not seen her latest Educational Decree? Do you not pay your students any mind, boy?” 

Severus shrugged his shoulders, “Not really.” 

She nudged him with her elbow, “Well, that’s the issue. There was an incident with a young Gryfindor I’m afraid.” He raised his eyebrows questioningly towards her, she leaned into him, “A third year. You know how thirteen-year-old boys are anyway, Severus. I pity the house elves who have to clean up their messes if you get my drift.” He nodded in understanding — as someone who once was a thirteen-year-old boy and as someone who was Head of House to a lot of young men. “Well, apparently a lot of the upper-class boys are…”

“Hem, hem.” 

Minerva and Severus turned to see Umbridge behind them. “I do believe Professor McGonagall that this is  _ my _ meeting. Professor Snape…” she laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently, Severus darted his eyes quickly towards Minerva and Minerva pressed her lips tightly together to prevent herself from laughing. For months now, Dolores had been flirting with and hitting on Severus — sitting by him in meetings, lying her hand against his shoulder and, on a few occasions, on his leg: Severus was absolutely mortified by this; Minerva was delighted by it, it was the most amusing thing to occur all year. “...please reserve all your questions and concerns for me.” She released her squeeze gently and let her short-chubby fingers caress his shoulder just so, “My office is always open to you.” She smiled down at him and shot a nasty glare at Minerva. Minerva, again, was delighted by this. She cared for Severus like a son, but she knew the boy was more likely to come crawling into her bed than to Umbridge's.

“Hem, hem.” The rest of the room quieted down. “Now, my new Educational Decree has been posted this afternoon. A student, one in Professor McGonagall’s house, was taken to the Hospital Wing by one of his classmates yesterday evening. It would appear that the boy had decided to…” she paused unsure of what words to use, “...bring himself pleasure by using The Monster Book of Monsters. Now, as you all are aware this is a very dangerous and filthy book. It is an abomination. The Ministry abhors it; we do not see how it could ever be used as an educational tool; seeing, however, that the children have been assigned this book and their parents have already spent the money, the Ministry cannot require the book to be removed from Hogwarts, which is most unfortunate. The backlash from parents would be great and, frankly, who has time for paperwork like that? So, if any students are caught using this book for anything other than educational purposes, they will be expelled; you must send them straight to me. Do we have any questions?”

  
Severus raised his hand. Umbridge beamed, “Yes, Severus.” 

He lowered his hand, “Why would the boy decide to use the book as a means of masturbation? Why didn’t he just do what the rest of us with a cock do and…” he waved his hand in the air as if he were searching for a phrase that would disgust her, “choke the chicken.”

Umbridge’s posture grew tight and stiff, “Excuse me?”

“What is the phrase I’m looking for then...?” he held his hand out towards his coworkers who each took turns chiming in.

“Beating the bishop!”

“Fighting the purple-headed yoghurt slinger!”

“Tugging the slug!”

“Wanking!”

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Umbridge stamped her foot and roared at her idiotic perverse subordinates. “The stupid child chose to do this because it seems that older male students are casting a shield charm on their genitals and then allowing the book to give them a sort of fellatio. This young boy did not know you had to cast a shield charm and thus was gravely injured." 

Severus raised his hand again, “This shield charm. How does that work exactly? Does the caster even feel anything? Flitwick, thoughts?”

Flitwick piped up, “Ohhhhh. I think that if the student cast a weak enough shield charm then it would protect from any serious physical repercussions but one would still feel the vibrations of the attack."

Severus nodded in understanding. “Interesting. Why, then, are we expelling them for doing this? I mean, honestly, if we are going to expel every student for masturbation then we are going to have a very small student popular. That’s just...being a person, right?” He looked around the room and his colleagues nodded in agreement.

“It is an abomination! It is disgusting! It is selfish! It is immature and childish!”

“Pardon me for intruding but do  _ you  _ masturbate, Dolores?”

“Professor Snape. That is absolutely...that is...what...OUT. Everyone. This meeting is over.” 

Severus and Minerva looked at one another and smirked with their eyes. “Have a lovely evening, Professor Umbridge,” Minerva smiled at Dolores. 

Severus turned as they walked out, “Dolores, I do believe it would work best if you give the shield charm about twenty percent of your effort. Just enough protection.” He winked as he turned back towards Minerva and they walked out the door.

“You, my boy, are naughty.”

“Gods, Minerva. Don’t let Umbridge hear you say that or she might get jealous of our relationship.” They both laughed and he bid her goodnight as he made his way to the north tower to regale the evening’s events to Sybill.

—

Dolores Umbridge sat on her bed in her bright pink, puffy robe; her legs crossed, her posture as stiff as always. In front of her was a copy of The Monster Book of Monsters, subdued by rubbing its spine, and her wand. 

  
She grabbed her wand, pointed it wards herself and murmured,  _ Protego _ .


End file.
